Thursday, September 25, 2008

The reason behind the death of my heart

Have you ever noticed the fact that your heart is dead? I know, you might never have noticed it. I said this because I noticed this at that day when I felt a kind of uneasiness at my chest. That uneasiness started growing and suddenly, when I was at my writing table, my heart came out of me with a groan. I didn’t notice it first. But the groan disturbed me and I started looking for the source of it. I was shocked to see my heart crawling near my writing pad. I didn’t recognize it first. It looked like a piece of dessert covered with some dried up vegetation. I tried to smile at it. But it was so weak that it can hardly recognize my smile. It thought I was looking at it sarcastically. Later it apologised for its misconception.

You don’t believe me if I tell you the story which it told me. I haven’t believed it yet. “Once”, it started. “Once I was happy, so happy that I used to laugh at things. I used to see the clear blue sky through your eyes and smiled at it. When you fill your mind with the beauty of sunset, the orange and purple and red and blue colours filled inside me and I used to get exhausted with happiness. When I saw the rain at the hills far away, I used to wait for it to reach near you. I wanted to wet myself in rain. You were happier than ever. I have seen the shyness in the eyes of beautiful girl’s when you make naughty comments at them. I have seen the wild desire in their heart for you. I was proud to be inside a person like you.”

It paused for some moments. It looked at the bare wall for sometime trying to memorise something. Then it took a deep breath and then continued “One day I woke up just like any other day. But I felt a kind of difference around me. I found out that there is some uneasiness developing around me. I didn’t notice it first. Then as the day progressed, I became more and more anxious. I became restless and sleepless as the days passed by. Slowly I realised that there is something which is making me cry. I wept that whole day. I didn’t realise that 'SHE' was the reason. Then I realised that I am no more the master of myself. Those days I used to laugh only when she laughed. I use to be anxious when you wait for her restlessly. I wept when she was hurt. I started noticing the cloudy skies. The dark nights. I wept many days. Sometimes she cared me too much and I felt like I am back in the womb. At times she kissed and sent me to sleep and I was on top of the world. I felt it good in the beginning. It was nice. Emotions; which I never experienced. I enjoyed it. I dived into it.

But the things started changing drastically. The anxiety increased. Sadness increased. Dependence increased. Then one day I felt a pain deep inside. I wept. I couldn’t stop weeping. I recognized that she is trying to crush me. I couldn’t hold my pain. I wept. Silently. I thought you would help me. Instead you gave her room to crush me more and more. She pressed me to the limits. Somehow I didn’t burst out. But I wept continuously. You never gave an ear to me. First time in my life, I felt lonely. The solitude covered me. I was afraid of it. You knew it. But you didn’t turn towards me. I cried and cried and finally I was immersed in my tears. I suffered that as well. But one day she left you for ever. Then, then you started crying. You didn’t have enough tears in your eyes. I gave you mine. When my tears were also over, I tried to hold you but you didn’t even think of me. I was in the shade. I was damp. Not wet. I wept again. No tears came out. But my eyes were always moist.”

I noticed my heart is breathing fast. Then it said, ‘One day I found a spore of a moss near me. I thought it will help me in my solitude. I took it. Put it on my damp eye. It was happy. It grew there. Within couple of years; there were clumps and clumps of moss around me. You didn’t notice that too. I couldn’t see anything. They have covered me completely. They sucked my wetness from me. I felt my skin becoming stiff out of dehydration. It hurt me. They started living on my blood, more clumps of mosses fed on me. Finally I became dry. Small cracks formed on my skin out of desiccation. Slowly the mosses that covered me dried and died. And finally I died, or I was as good as dead. So I decided to leave you because for the last many years you didn’t need me.” Saying this heart slowly tried to crawl away from me. I was breathless hearing the story. I touched it slowly. I patted it very softly, because I realised that my heart is at the brim of disintegration out of dryness. I didn’t say any thing. I cleared the cover of dry moss around it with utmost care. It tried to smile at me in pain. But that smile hurt me. I saw spores of the moss all around my beloved heart, waiting for my heart to get wet again, so that they can live a new life on it. I put my heart back gently. I looked at the moon. After long time; I realised happiness filling inside me. I smiled at me. Aren’t I happy...? 


arathy said...

oh.. my God...
it z simply super...
i rly Njoyd it..

Jaibala Rao said...

Wow...amazing....and I am a fan of the way you write :)