Friday, October 3, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Have you ever noticed the fact that your heart is dead? I know, you might never have noticed it. I said this because I noticed this at that day when I felt a kind of uneasiness at my chest. That uneasiness started growing and suddenly, when I was at my writing table, my heart came out of me with a groan. I didn’t notice it first. But the groan disturbed me and I started looking for the source of it. I was shocked to see my heart crawling near my writing pad. I didn’t recognize it first. It looked like a piece of dessert covered with some dried up vegetation. I tried to smile at it. But it was so weak that it can hardly recognize my smile. It thought I was looking at it sarcastically. Later it apologised for its misconception.
You don’t believe me if I tell you the story which it told me. I haven’t believed it yet. “Once”, it started. “Once I was happy, so happy that I used to laugh at things. I used to see the clear blue sky through your eyes and smiled at it. When you fill your mind with the beauty of sunset, the orange and purple and red and blue colours filled inside me and I used to get exhausted with happiness. When I saw the rain at the hills far away, I used to wait for it to reach near you. I wanted to wet myself in rain. You were happier than ever. I have seen the shyness in the eyes of beautiful girl’s when you make naughty comments at them. I have seen the wild desire in their heart for you. I was proud to be inside a person like you.”
It paused for some moments. It looked at the bare wall for sometime trying to memorise something. Then it took a deep breath and then continued “One day I woke up just like any other day. But I felt a kind of difference around me. I found out that there is some uneasiness developing around me. I didn’t notice it first. Then as the day progressed, I became more and more anxious. I became restless and sleepless as the days passed by. Slowly I realised that there is something which is making me cry. I wept that whole day. I didn’t realise that 'SHE' was the reason. Then I realised that I am no more the master of myself. Those days I used to laugh only when she laughed. I use to be anxious when you wait for her restlessly. I wept when she was hurt. I started noticing the cloudy skies. The dark nights. I wept many days. Sometimes she cared me too much and I felt like I am back in the womb. At times she kissed and sent me to sleep and I was on top of the world. I felt it good in the beginning. It was nice. Emotions; which I never experienced. I enjoyed it. I dived into it.
But the things started changing drastically. The anxiety increased. Sadness increased. Dependence increased. Then one day I felt a pain deep inside. I wept. I couldn’t stop weeping. I recognized that she is trying to crush me. I couldn’t hold my pain. I wept. Silently. I thought you would help me. Instead you gave her room to crush me more and more. She pressed me to the limits. Somehow I didn’t burst out. But I wept continuously. You never gave an ear to me. First time in my life, I felt lonely. The solitude covered me. I was afraid of it. You knew it. But you didn’t turn towards me. I cried and cried and finally I was immersed in my tears. I suffered that as well. But one day she left you for ever. Then, then you started crying. You didn’t have enough tears in your eyes. I gave you mine. When my tears were also over, I tried to hold you but you didn’t even think of me. I was in the shade. I was damp. Not wet. I wept again. No tears came out. But my eyes were always moist.”
I noticed my heart is breathing fast. Then it said, ‘One day I found a spore of a moss near me. I thought it will help me in my solitude. I took it. Put it on my damp eye. It was happy. It grew there. Within couple of years; there were clumps and clumps of moss around me. You didn’t notice that too. I couldn’t see anything. They have covered me completely. They sucked my wetness from me. I felt my skin becoming stiff out of dehydration. It hurt me. They started living on my blood, more clumps of mosses fed on me. Finally I became dry. Small cracks formed on my skin out of desiccation. Slowly the mosses that covered me dried and died. And finally I died, or I was as good as dead. So I decided to leave you because for the last many years you didn’t need me.” Saying this heart slowly tried to crawl away from me. I was breathless hearing the story. I touched it slowly. I patted it very softly, because I realised that my heart is at the brim of disintegration out of dryness. I didn’t say any thing. I cleared the cover of dry moss around it with utmost care. It tried to smile at me in pain. But that smile hurt me. I saw spores of the moss all around my beloved heart, waiting for my heart to get wet again, so that they can live a new life on it. I put my heart back gently. I looked at the moon. After long time; I realised happiness filling inside me. I smiled at me. Aren’t I happy...?
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Some times it seems to be too good to hate a person. This incident also started as the same. With out any serious cause I wanted to hate him. The root cause is the same old wild feeling hatred. I was so desperate to hate some one. For the last couple of years I have forgotten to do so, because there was barely anybody in my life even to love. Today morning, all of a sudden I woke up from a weird dream
about loving in which I adored a beautiful small boy whom I met last night in the theatre walking down from the silver screen. I got so annoyed of that dream. Now I have started loving someone (even though in the dream). So now I cannot resist me from hating someone. You might feel this awkward. But I have a solid reason behind my thought. Someone has taught me that the universe cannot persist with out a balance between positive and negative. I am an ordinary person and I don’t want to imbalance the universe because of my simple thought or act. So you don’t know the dilemma that I am going through from early this morning till this very second.
But I know it is very hard to start hate someone all of a sudden. First of all you have to find out a reason for hating a person. You can very well say that I can stick to the reason which I have stated above. But you know one thing; even you won’t admit it as a reason if I tell you this. The only reason which will help me to explain the situation to others is to tell them that the man whom I selected to hate, have broken the rhythm of my life. But I have to put it convincingly, which is the most difficult part of the work, since I have to start talking with some one to do so. Talking to someone is another big problem. Because usually, I don't talk to anyone around; other than the fat ugly person with big reddish eyes in Priya vegetable shop (whose name I don't know). So I have to find someone to talk and then I should try to convince him with the reason behind my hate. Obviously you know that for a person like me it is too hard to imagine.
Anand is an average person to start with but if you want to talk to him you have to wait till because Swetha will not be moving out of the office till then. I always wonder why he used to sit near her and whisper something in her ears. She use to giggle sometimes then I used to look at her face. This is only because of the fact that then her cheeks will be too red that it will remind me of the hanging blood bag and the cold smile of Sumitra.
But is too late for me, so I have to find someone who is free from to . When I thought of it the only face came into my mind is of our boss's which I suddenly discarded. It is not because of he is my Boss. I don’t like the stink of his cabin which is a mixture of cigarette, cockroach and old paper. When ever I looked at his small eyes (which I avoided almost all the time) he reminded me a hungry jackal. I checked each and almost every body in my office and in the street where I dwell. But no one suited my need. I suspended the need of convincing somebody about the act for some days.
There are a lot of other things to be done before hating him completely. I have to decide different ways to express my hate. I started exploring the different possibilities. But each time I started to concentrate in my research on possibilities, I see a mist surrounding me and the small boy in my dream looks at me through it and is smiling at me. Then I cannot resist myself from walking towards him and holding him in my hands. Even though I don't really want, I will start caressing his curly hair. This is increasing my tension that the need for hatred in my life is keep on increasing. But all that I can see around me is the boy and his smile.
This is making me nervous. Am I not able to hate some one??? What is happening to me? Where is my peace of mind when I pierced the knife into Sumitra? I clearly remember I stabbed her deep and deep. But I failed. Then I was nervous because I found that with the blood pouring from her chest she rose and walked towards me with a cold smile. It made me so frosty that I started shivering. I couldn’t resist the chilliness of her smile that was covering me. Then she slowly walked towards me. As she came closer, I started fearing her more and more. She is just near me, but I couldn't stop looking at her motionless eyes. I saw that even her dark eye balls are pouring the same cold smile. She smiled and smiled and suddenly I saw the flow of blood from my wide open mouth. I tried to close my mouth, I wanted to scream... but I was motionless. I noticed the union of fluids from both of us and then… and then a white mist covered me. I started floating around... all around the room. Across the seas. Along the clouds. I felt weightless…
I can feel the freak feeling of disturbance embracing me now. I am not able to resist the boy's look. His eyes shined in the mist. I closed my eyes but the sparkle pierced my eyelids. I wanted to cry loud. I felt the self in me diminishing slowly. No... I have to come back and I want to hate the man. He is the cause for all this. But where did this strange looking boy come from? Is he the son of the man, by any chance? What is he going to do? He is any way thinner than me and I am sure I can resist him physically. But the eyes, I just cant defend it. The thoughts just haunted me. His smile makes me weak. I am loosing the strength of my mind as I start concentrating on my research. What are the ways to hate him? Which are the ways I can I express my feeling?
I thought of having a coffee. I have read somewhere that "Many things can happen over a coffee." I waited for the coffee in the shabby canteen. I looked around to witness for something to happen. But nothing really did. Instead I am not even able to drink my coffee. I want to forget that man and the boy. Back in the office, I tried to concentrate on my files. But the figures and letters from the files came out and started dancing around me. I looked around to check whether some one is noticing the ballet of figures around me. Thank god no one is. I realized the fact that I cannot concentrate until and unless I start hating that man. My heart started beating so high. Some times I felt that it will fall out of my body. I can hear my heart beats echoing in the whole of the office. I noticed the sound creeping through the window making fun of me. I tried to tell them to stop. But they just mocked my voice. I am getting tired. The thought that I want to hate the man made me near mad. I can see my madness walking through the office and making a mess out of it. I watched the files being thrown around from one table to other from one corner to the other. I watched my colleagues. But I found them sitting calm and quiet unaware of whatever is happening around them.
I stood up at my place and started walking out of my office. I cannot hold this for so long. I have to find a way out of this. I have to learn how to hate that person. i walked down the road towards the light house. I climbed the huge structure. As I climbed the spiral ladder up I thought the way will never end. A fear clinched me as I climbed, that I will never reach the top of this. The spiral ladder remind me of the double helix structured DNA. I noticed that the cell which I am climbing is about to multiply and at any fraction of a second the DNA which I am climbing will break into two. Adinine, thymine, Gwanine and Cytisine… all are going to separate and will any time make a new pair. Adinine will make thymine and the gwanine will pairup with cytosine. I thought of which will be the safest pair for me to climb up. Thymine always reminded me of timing which I always lack… I decided to stand with cytosine pair. I looked at the ladder to distinguish between them. I failed. My fear increased. I climbed faster and faster. Finally I found the ray of hope above me. Yes I have made it. I have reached the top.
I stood on top of the light house facing the city. I walked around the lantern I glanced at the city with proud. All of a sudden I saw my heart beats which followed me from the office is nearing me. That reminded me again of hating the man. I wanted to cry in anger. In despair. In my failure. I cried. I cried as loud as I can. I cried loud and more loud. I screamed... and screamed and Finally I realised that no one will hear me. When I was tired I slept. Later I woke up and slowly climbed down the ladder with utter tiredness. I came out of the gate of the light house. there I saw that person standing with his long white beard of the man. Looking with his piercing eyes owned the boy, with a cold smile of Sumitra, he started walking towards me, Calmly, silently, slowly. I know I have to run now. I wanted to run. I have to run. I wanted to run… But then I understood that Some times it seems to be too good to hate a person. So I decided to hate that man. With out any serious cause I wanted to hate him.